Life of Hardin Vol. III, No. 12

Conspiracy Theory

It is a shame, but countries that are situated in the tropics do not have seasons. You may think this is a nice thing. Winters, if there are any, are extremely mild. Summers can be overwhelming. The worst thing, however, is that this sort of even-keeled temperature breeds a single-mindedness in the realm of sports that is detrimental to variety. Here in Paraguay there is only one sport, and there is only one season that lasts the whole year. If you find it annoying to turn on TBS and see an Atlanta Braves game four nights out of the week, six months out of the year, I implore you never to watch television in a South American country. There it is soccer, on half the channels, all year long.

Soccer is king. All other sports are the stepchildren who are beheaded so they cannot usurp the throne. It is not simply a case of preference. There is an actual, malicious intent against all sports non-soccer. It is possible there is also malicious intent against me personally on the part of the sports channels here. I give this evidence.

Several months ago the NBA playoffs were underway. ESPN here showed games in the conference championship rounds. I thought myself justified in the conclusion that, “Surely, if the conference games are shown, the Finals will also be shown.” So I tuned to ESPN at the appointed hour and saw no game and no pre-game tune-up. I hoped my clock was fast. The ESPN logo flashed by on the screen. “This is it,” I thought. Instead I was treated to a rerun of the last week’s tennis French Open match. A crawler scrolled across the screen informing me that a soccer game was in rain delay. The NBA finals weren’t even acknowledged to be in existence.

Baseball, however, is the most ill-treated of sports. Once in a while ESPN shows a game on Sunday night. This, however, is only a carrot used to lead on the donkey. A commercial advertised a game for the past Sunday night. It was a big game against the Astros and Cards. It might have decided who went to the post-season and who stayed home. I invited people over. “They’re showing baseball! They’re showing a Cards game!” I was heady with excitement. We made chips and salsa. We had hamburgers and chicken. We popped the tops on our glass bottled Cokes. We tuned to ESPN at the appointed hour . . .

And the NFL game between the Broncos and Who Cares? came on instead. THAT was so obviously malicious. That sort of thing does not happen by mistake. I felt evil intent behind it. It was just almost the right thing, but not quite. I had ordered Coca-Cola, and received Sam’s Choice.

Then two nights later I read on the internet that a rookie was throwing a no-hitter. It was in the ninth inning. “Surely,” I thought to myself beyond hope, “surely everything will be pre-empted for the last inning.” I was heady with excitement once again. I tuned to ESPN . . .

To watch the finals of the World Domino Championship. Someone, somewhere, was laughing at me.

ESPN has been showing commercials for the first day of playoffs. They start tomorrow. They say they will show both American League games. It is a lie. I have never been lied to so badly in my life. I can smell deviltry afoot. But I am immune. I have been down-trodden. I have been put-upon. I have been hardened and jaded by ill-treatment. I can’t be fooled. There is no possible way on earth that TWO baseball games will be shown back-to-back.
But maybe they’ll just show one.