Life of Hardin Vol. IV, No. 7

A Walk in the Park

6:15 A.M.--Boarded a rented van with chauffer for a 10 hour round trip to Iguassu Falls. Me, my wife, two more women, and a man.

11:33 A.M.--Passed private gift shop just outside Iguassu National Park. Chauffer pointed it out. I wished I was driving.

11:48 A.M.--Purchased tickets and rode the park bus to the scenic trail.

12:05 P.M.--Turned corner on the trail and heard gasps as first time visitors spied the beginning of the falls through the jungle. Suppressed my own awe so as not to look like a tourist. Posed for pictures.

12:13 P.M.--Stopped to let everyone catch up. Posed for pictures.

12:18 P.M.--Stopped to let everyone catch up. Began to sweat under the collar. Posed for pictures.

12:30 P.M.--Stopped again. More pictures. Feet began to tingle.

12:35 P.M.--Walked out on catwalk in the spray of The Devil’s Throat. Largest and last of the falls, tourwise. Iguassu is the largest falls by volume in the world. Catwalk packed. Got soaked by spray. Saw four rainbows in the mist at bottom.

12:40 P.M.--Pictures. Ooh’s and Ahh’s.

12:50 P.M.--Waited while others stood and stared open mouthed at the roaring water. Tingle in feet turned to thousands of tiny knives. Happened to look down at the shallows beneath catwalk and saw hundreds of coins. Shined like gold in the sun. Had one leg over the rail. Stopped by my wife.

12:55 P.M--Took elevator to top. Everyone stopped to view falls from there. Toes numb. More pictures.

1:04 P.M.--Lunch.

1:30 P.M.--Stopped in gift shop. Wife and one of the women looked at stones for jewelry. Area around the falls rich with semi-precious stones.

1:50 P.M.--Got off bus at park entrance. Stopped at gift shop to look for stones. Gift shop has exact same things. Keychains that say “Cataratas do Iguacu.” Shirts that say “Cataratas do Iguacu.” Slabs of amethyst to hang on wall. Phony little trees with semi-precious stones tied on for leaves. Should have bought one and plucked a leaf each time my wife wanted a new ring. Feet numb.

2:21 P.M--Entered Parque de Aves, the bird park that features a “walk through the jungle exhibit” of birds from around the world. Felt like I was in a rainforest. Wanted to take shirt off but didn’t.

2:44 P.M.--Went into giant parrot cage, where you can actually touch any one of about fifty of the huge birds. Attacked by six parrots enraged by the sound of my wife’s digital camera. Ran for my life.

2:57 P.M.--Left exhibit. Went into the gift shop. More of same. Keychains with “Cataratas” on one side and “Parque de Aves” on the other. Carved masks. Amethyst slabs. Wife and other lady looked for jewelry again in the corner jewelry shop. I sat outside with a view through the window. They go in. They come out. I stand up. They go back in again. I sit down. Process repeated ad infinitum. I begin to yearn for the old days before gift shops when you could just break off a stalactite and go home.

3:49 P.M.--On the road again. Driver asks if we want to stop in the large gift shop. I close my eyes and pray.

3:52 P.M.--We pile out at the gift shop. It is twice the size, twice the price, twice the amount of the same stuff. Coasters that say “Cataratas.” Phony stone trees. A five foot slab of amethyst with a tag of $15,000 dollars. I can grow sugar crystals at home.

4:01 P.M.--A worker asks if I need help. I ask where they keep the cyanide. Feet feel like slabs of amethyst.

9:17 P.M.--Arrive back home. Totals: One hour, thirty one minutes sightseeing. One hour, thirty one minutes gift shopping.

9:20 P.M.--Sat down and used my one purchase: a foot roller.